On identifying identities

I’ve noticed that a big theme on this blog is identity, which makes sense as I write on, well, social justice. A rather major subtheme is the denial of those identities. This is a big thing for me personally because so much of me is misidentified or erased, some of which are identity components I talk about here and some not. I’m also particularly concerned with identity because of the age I’m at (because I am a teenager did I mention that?). As we’re all so often told, teenagehood is a time of life in which there is lots of introspection and exploring and expanding, and that preoccupation with identity has certainly been the case with me. I want to talk about the significance of the teenager’s social place during this time of coming into one’s own, and how that process is thereby affected.

I want to talk about the ways in which identities are denied.

It’s what happens when non-monoracial people are told they are really this, that or the other, rather than really being whoever they think of themselves as. It happens every time queer people are told their sexuality is a lifestyle choice. It happens when people are told they are faking being disabled. It happens when trans women are told they are really men – oh, all the time.

It takes some kind of extraordinary arrogance to declare an identity for someone else. This is an attitude that says, ‘My perceptions are more important than your lived experience.’ ‘My comfort in my ability to correctly assess people overrides the truth.’ It is extraordinary what lengths humans will go to in order to make the world in line with their screwy ideas about the people in it. As for ‘the truth,’ that’s the thing. The truth is that someone’s identity is whatever they hold it to be. Asserting your idea of what a person is over theirs says that it’s okay for everyone to weigh in on and locate and decide it as an objective truth. And almost inevitably it’s an “impartial” outside observer who has the right idea, and they locate the truth of someone’s identity quite outside the grasp of the individual concerned. There is no good reason why your ideas about what a person is like, or what people with an identity are like, should trump the experience and history and, you know, understanding of their own being, of the person with said identity, no reason at all. Forcing your ideas about what a person is onto them is presumptuous and bizarre; how on earth do you think you know better about a person and their life than they do?

People are that which they understand themselves to be; one ought to respect that a person is what they say they are, accept that and move on from the urge to police. There is not some other real identity buried back there that you can grasp hold of irrespective of what the person concerned says. You cannot fix an identity or change it or correct it, it just is – and trying to do so is particularly problematic in terms of marginalised identities, because that’s a continuation of what the whole world is making a good go of. Trying is undermining not just someone’s experience within the world, but something of their being. It takes some kind of bizarre embarrassment or self-assurance – or higher social placement – to continue to insist on referring and relating to a person incorrectly once they’ve told you otherwise.

The denial and enforcement of identities functions in a unique way for younger people. To limit this to teenagers for the moment, this is a time during which one is reevaluating and changing and shaping and trying on identities. It’s a delicate and extremely sensitive process. Interrupting that, trying to force that, can be extraordinarily damaging. And when those identities tie in with social oppression, there’s a whole new level to negotiate and trying to alter the identity is that much worse. I’m hearing more and more from teenagers who are told they’re too young to be disabled because they have their whole lives ahead of them and you surely can’t be in that much pain and you haven’t lived long enough to give up on life (which tells you a thing or two about what disability means to these people). Infotainment TV, in these parts at any rate, regularly features stories about trans teenagers asserting that they need therapy and are confused by this modern world and can’t know if they’re really trans yet, they’re oh so young! There are seemingly endless stories about teenagers who are told that they can’t really be gay, because, well, dear, you’ve never had a sexual experience with someone of the same sex, it’s just a phase, you’re too young to know what you’re talking about. And again and again and again the narrative repeats itself.

What is it about youth that supposedly invalidates experience? No matter how long you’ve lived in the world, you’ve experience of your own being and your being in the world. That’s experience no one else can possibly have. In order to build on and validate and explore that experience, teens need whatever advice and comfort and kindness we care to have. In going through the sensitive and overwhelming processes that make up the development and revealing of identities, teens should be allowed to do so peacefully and with support.

You haven’t got a whole lot of tools to combat this kind of identity pressure when you’ve had little time in the world, a limited number of connections and you’re meant to be able to trust the people telling you this rubbish, all the while you’re still sorting things out inside. Teenagers are an extremely vulnerable group, often lacking sufficient (emotional, financial) support outside family, which can be pretty bad when your homophobic parents turns on you and you’ve nowhere to go.

Teenagerhood should be a time of dreams and expansion. We should be allowed to open our inner selves up and absorb as much light and life as we possibly can. We should be, but other people are often too often invested in what they think we should be to let us be what we are.

In order to accept people as people, you have to accept what makes a person a particular person. I think you’ve got to ask what makes it so important for you to have control over someone’s identity. You’ve got to ask why your sense of control over what’s what is so important as to invalidate that person’s autonomy. Reassuring yourself that the world is a certain way, that those around you are a certain way: it’s just not worth it where as a consequence someone’s being dissolves under them – where they themselves are dissolved. That’s what’s important here, not your relatively unimportant wish to assert your own worldview.

Trust people to identify their own identities.

[Sort of cross-posted at Feministe]

Music Monday: Young people being amazing edition

Because we are.

I’ve just learned about Allison Iraheta today, thanks to isabelthespy. She came in fourth on the eight season of American Idol. She’s seventeen, she’s Latina, she has fabulous red and blue hair and she seems pretty unique. Here’s “Friday I’ll Be Over U” (lyrics here).

Description: It’s pretty much the band performing the song. It switches between B&W to colour, with punk-cartoony splashes of colour throughout.

You’ve probably seen the amazing video for Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”. But you probably don’t know anything about the choreographer. JaQuel Knight put together the hugely successful routine at the tender age of nineteen.

Click through to see!

Description: I can’t really describe it that well, so please excuse me. There are three dancers in leotards, it’s in black and white and it’s just an amazing routine.

Here’s another I’ve just heard of today, from kaninchenzero. Smoosh are a Seattle-based indy pop band made up of siblings Asy, Chloe and Maia. Here’s “La Pump” and if you’re in need of some lyrics. This song is from 2004, before Maia joined the band; Asy was 12 years old and Chloe was 10.

Description: It’s set in some claymation universe in which a ban on music. At times we see the older two sisters performing the song and observing their clay selves. The mayor, dragons and robots converge on the stage where Smoosh are performing. The mayor pulls out the amp plug, and a “real” band member reaches down to push it back in. There’s a fight with lots of fire and ripping up of anti-music signs. The mayor and co run off and Smoosh high-five triumphantly.

Pretty cool stuff, no?

Disgusting.

I can’t quite bear to add much commentary to this. Everything you need to know is in The name’s the thing, so read that first. [1] Essentially, my mother is on a lot of charity call lists. Many of these feature her marital name rather than her present name (some years ago she changed it back to the one she had growing up). She repeatedly asks the callers to change her name on their databases, but when they call again it hasn’t been done. Callers will often get defensive, be resistant to changing it and question whether she really wants to donate. She went through none of this rubbish when she changed her name upon marriage.

Here’s what I managed to write down from her side of the conversation the last time I was present during one of these telephone calls. It’s incomplete and probably inaccurate, but I did my best.

Well it matters to me, you do know who you are, but… it’s still my name, and it matters to me.
It’s not as simple as that, quite truly, I find it quite offensive. I’ve been told that my name is on a database, and they’d delete it and change it, but clearly-
As you have me twice on your system, and I do make donations with my correct name, why can’t you delete the incorrect name and stop calling me with that? [He says that he's going to move on to the next call 'if you don't want to make a donation'.] It’s not as if you just want to go onto the next person, as though I’m not interested in donating.

With regard to the first sentence, she said later that he’d said that it didn’t matter what other people call you, as long as you know who you are. You know, in addition to interrupting her and arguing with her about her identity, name and charitableness. While asking her for money.

Some people are incredibly resistant to approaching women as having identities of their own. Any attempt at asserting something as simple as one’s own name is seen as an act of aggression. But we have a right to our own lives and being, and don’t ever forget it.

[1] The organisation I mention in that post, by the by, was my high school.

Telly!

Well, I’m waiting for all my favourite shows to come back after the summer break, and some of them will be starting this month, thank goodness.

Doctor Who I realise I am the only Whovian on Earth who has yet to see David Tennant’s final episodes. (Oh, Tennant. Ohhh Tennant.) This is because I am waiting for the ABC to air them, because I am hardcore like that, and will have to wait until 14 and 21 February! I haven’t even seen the trailer for Matt Smith’s Doctor yet! This is my favourite favourite show, to the extent that no one is allowed to speak to me and I won’t so much as drink water during it because I cannot be distracted. If you have not seen this show, you will not understand. I’m actually quite surprised by how many feminists are Doctor Who fans, it seems like most of my blog friends are major Whovians! The show’s about a time traveler from Gallifrey called the Doctor who spends a rather surprising amount of time saving Earth with his human companions. On the verge of death, he can regenerate into a new body and personality, which explains how the show has lasted so long (both in terms of overcoming that usual problem of losing the main character and therefore the heart of the show when an actor leaves and in that it keeps switching things up). Tennant’s doctor is was the tenth since 1963. It’s really quite a brilliant show. Here is a video by YouTube user lesmisloony full of instances of Ten saying ‘well’. It’s more entertaining than it sounds.

Grey’s Anatomy I don’t care what you say, this is a great show. This is probably the only show I watch I don’t feel tense or alienated during because of the racial make-up of the show. There are non-white people! Lots of them! It’s great. It is the most soapy a show can be while still being called a drama, and the medical cases are very improbable, and they all have sex so much it gets a bit boring, but it is GREAT. I would explain the plot to you, but, weird cases, soap and sex, I pretty much just did. The series premiere was on Tuesday, but as I am writing this on Tuesday, and am adding this sentence to the post after having just learned the premiere is tonight, (!) I cannot actually comment! And now I am adding this sentence on Wednesday to say it was a bit crap!

Ghost Whisperer This show scares the crap out of me – yeah, don’t invite me to your horror movie night. And as much as it irritates me that there are just about zero non-white people on this show, and though it’s silly silly fluff, I still tune in every episode. It’s about Melinda, an antique store owner in a small American town who can see ghosts. It’s her job to help sort out their unfinished business so they can cross over. Everything (usually) resolves nicely and we get a happy ending where the ghosts aren’t so scary as they seem at first and everything works out for the best. So it’s exactly what you want in your fluff TV: mild intrigue, likable lead characters and happy endings!

How I Met Your Mother I know, I know, it is a horrible show in many ways. I started watching probably last season and I don’t know why I like it so much but I do! Plus, Neil Patrick Harris, come on. It’s about a guy called Ted who’s telling his kids in the year 2030 what he got up to as a younger man up until meeting their mother. Apparently they’ve got the identity of the mother all sorted out but we don’t know who it is yet! I think the most we know about her is that she has a yellow umbrella. It’s about the adventures Ted has with his mysteriously racially homogenous friends (yeah this is a sticking point for me and telly) Barney, (the womaniser) Robin, (his ex-girlfriend) Lily (the kindergarten teacher who just can’t keep a secret) and Marshall (his college roomate) (these last two are the adorable couple).

Although I am still sad that there is no more Black Books (‘chicken is finite!’) or Vicar of Dibley. Oh, or The West Wing, of course.

The Thirteenth Carnival of Feminists

A very warm welcome to the Thirteenth Carnival of Feminists. I’d offer you refreshments and to take your coat but, er, that’s not exactly possible in cyberspace, so the carnival itself will have to do. I’m Chally, blogger here at Zero at the Bone, and I’m presenting you with all kinds of amazing feminist writing from around the blogosphere.

So let’s get to it!

Of course, many people wrote on the devastation in Haiti.

abby jean has posted lots and lots that you should read.

Atlasien has a pretty thorough rundown on The Dangerous Desire to Adopt Haitian Babies at Racialicious.

Roxanne Samer from Gender Across Borders posts Haiti & art therapy. ‘In both Haiti itself as well as with Haitians living outside the country, people are turning to creative expressivity to respond to the pain that they are feeling.’

There are some suggestions for helping in Christine C.’s Responding to the Needs of Women and Girls in Haiti at Our Bodies Our Blog. ‘Our Bodies Ourselves has compiled a list of organizations focused on addressing the health needs in Haiti, particularly the needs of women and girls, during and beyond the initial aid effort. Additional background articles and press releases are also included.

The Pursuit of Harpyness’ SarahMC writes In memoriam: Haitian women’s rights activists. Magalie Marcelin, Myriam Merlet and Anne Marie Coriolan all died in the earthquake.

Friday 22 January was the 37th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, a very important case in American reproductive rights history, and therefore Blog for Choice Day. The theme this year was ‘Trust Women’. Let’s take a look at some posts:

• Becky from Happy Bodies asks Is choice the right question? ‘Right now, I basically have the choice: if I need an abortion, I can afford one. It’s not often when my choice gets truly challenged in the debate about abortion.’
• From AngryBlackBitch aka Shark-fu: Blog for Choice – Not a plea or a request, but a demand…. ‘A bitch ain’t begging or asking for what is mine by law. [...] Trusting women means respecting women and respecting women means acknowledging all of our rights and acknowledging all that would threaten those in power.’
• Julia Kaye writes The Onion’s Abortion Satire Brings Tears to The Eyes at Womenstake.org. ‘If only it were just a joke.’ On abortion law in Oklahoma.
• Clarisse Thorn posts Our bodies, our choices: Beyond sexuality to selling organs and giving aid: ‘I’m more interested in talking about how being pro-choice, and the assertion that my body is absolutely my own to do with as I please, feeds into other issues — issues of sexuality, privilege, humanitarian aid, charity, other types of bodily integrity.’
• At Gender Across Borders, Carrie presents Depicting Choice: Pregnancy and Abortion in Film. ‘But abortion is simply not as popular a subject matter as pregnancy is in mainstream U.S. film. Moreover, it’s rare for a film about pregnancy to even address the option of abortion.’
• Amanda ReCupido has a whole list of reasons as to Why I am Pro-Choice posted at The Undomestic Goddess.

As ever, there are a number of posts on violence against women.

Over at Womanist Musings we have A Pelvic Exam Without Permission is Rape by Renee (womanist): ‘medical students are performing pelvic exams on unconscious women without consent. It seems that this is a standard procedure in Canada. [...] They are not really worried about causing pain or embarrassment, this is about who has access to female bodies.’

The Girl On The Subway was posted at this ain’t livin’ by meloukhia, who spreads the word on tumblr’s horrible public transport harassment “joke” and their subsequent silencing of responses. ‘The Tumblr Staff just did what the rest of society does; it told us that our words were not fit for public consumption, because they challenged something.’

There was a focus on reproductive coercion, too:

• Cara of The Curvature writes Reproductive Coercion is Sexual Violence. ‘And we’re not going to be effectively able to deal with this widespread problem until we’re able to recognize it as what it is: not a choice, not a personal problem, not a relationship “issue,” but as sexual violence, as intimate partner violence, and as abuse.’ It’s really quite an excellent post.
• In Reproductive Coercion posted at Shakesville, Melissa McEwan reports on the same story and adds several points of note.
• Meanwhile, at Our Bodies Our Blog, Rachel takes a look at the stats: Partner Abuse and Unintended Pregnancy in Young Women.

Here are post posts on teaching and learning, in the classroom and out.

Emily discusses ‘moving towards a culturally relevant classroom’ in Social Contexts of Education Series: Race in the classroom at lovely new blog Equality 101.

At Cold SnapDragon, Nandita writes on life lessons and ways of framing What Disability Teaches.

Next up, Female Students, Female Teachers, and Math Anxiety ? Oh My! Ashley from Small Strokes thinks that ‘in order to figure out what really changes girls’ attitudes toward math and science, we need to conduct a study that is fair to the teachers and the students, and that requires a study that includes teachers and students of all genders.’

There is a lot of lovely stuff on parenting.

Spilt Milk writes about spending Quantity time with one’s children and ‘fostering closeness, trust and yes, reliance, through essential care’.

Veronica of Viva La Feminista writes on imparting knowledge with nuance and on imperfect human beings. The post is called Feminist Parenting: Teaching History.

Have a read of The public policing of pregnancy over at brand new blog Fertile Feminism. ‘Making sure that we are afforded the same rights to make decisions regarding our health, safety and care as anyone else (even if an onlooker or doctor doesn’t approve) is absolutely imperative in ensuring we have full human rights, let alone “women’s rights.”‘

Despite ban, shackling of incarcerated women continues in Pennsylvania. Miriam of Radical Doula highlights an article on this appalling practice, attempts at reform and the doulas helping these women out.

At The F-Word, Laura Woodhouse reports on the case of Kerry Robertson and her son Ben in Baby taken from mother with learning difficulties. ‘Everyone has the right to a family life, and social services should be enabling the family to stay together (if they actually even need any support), not ripping them apart. ‘

Now to Arwyn’s Whose child is this? Kyriarchy, privilege, and motherhood posted at Raising My Boychick: ‘if you are not the “right” kind of woman, motherhood further invites society to comment on and assert control over your life, if society allows you motherhood at all.’ On the impossibility of mothering the right way – or being the right sort of mother. ‘We cannot, we simply cannot extrapolate from a singular, privileged experience of motherhood/childfree womanhood to the entire population of women and think it relevant or right.’

Let’s contemplate our bodies.

In Name and Shame at Something More Than Sides, PharaohKatt tells us about a couple of incidents of body shaming and gender presentation policing… at the childcare centre at which she works.

‘It is easier for onlookers to avert their eyes than it is for a woman to dress in a way that makes her feel uncomfortable.’ Exactly so. Covering up is a feminist issue by PhD in Parenting.

From Tami we have Dispatches from Nappyville: The sensual pleasures of textured tresses at her blog What Tami Said. ‘From my own experience, and the stories of other women, I’ve learned that a curious thing often happens when a black woman “goes natural.”‘

Chally from Zero at the Bone (why, hello, it is I!) goes into The Privileges and Pains of Passing. It’s the third post in the Invisible Identities series. ‘At the end of all this anxiety and modification and thought and care, one thing remains constant: it’s the perceptions and actions of people in dominant bodies that count.’

shinynewcoin is thinking on and the conversations we don’t have in on taxes and toilets at a shiny new coin. ‘Why do I have a basic desire to control my body, rather than let it do what it needs to get by, to be healthy? Maybe what I’m trying to say is something along the lines of you can tell who’s in charge of the world by which bodies are taught to feel shame. ‘”

volcanista writes Of boobages posted at Volcanista: a magmalicious blog, which is, well, exactly what it says on the tin.

And, of course, we must have a hairy-legged feminist post! Here’s PhDork with Wave Your Legs in the Air If You Got Hair posted at The Pursuit of Harpyness.

Now to talk about what we’ll have to term unpopular culture.

As caitlinate of The Dawn Chorus reports, The Australian Office of Film and Literature Classification is refusing classification for films featuring female ejaculation. Apparently Female Ejaculation Doesn’t Exist. ‘It’s not only that female ejaculation has been rendered non-existent by the OFLC that bothers me – it’s the way it becomes condemned by default. Male ejaculation = awesome, female ejaculation = freaky, non existent, fetish.’

‘While there are a fair amount of pilots about women, the story here is the lack of women who are writing and creating the shows.’ At Women & Hollywood, Melissa Silverstein asks What is This 1950? Women Are Missing as TV Creators.

On to women’s paid work.

Sady has a great rant about gender and work and recognition at Feministe in The Hangover That Never Ends: What I Learned From the Golden Globes. ‘If you’ve ever heard that old second-wave saw about how women have to be twice as good and work twice as hard as men to get the same or fewer rewards, and have wanted to verify it for your very own self, I submit to you that you can just re-watch the last half-hour of the Golden Globes.’

Posting at The F Word, Amica Lane discusses The professional masquerade of sexist workplace dress codes. ‘Over the centuries of wearing garments; the threads began to integrate into our skin, especially for women, and became a mask; a way of extroverting our inner selves to the world through signified implications. At some point in our history, image became a fundamental essence of our identity. [...] Whilst the archaic practice of making a triviality (such as makeup and wardrobe) a serious job requirement, larger issues such as the wage gap and promotions will continue to suffer as a result.’

We could all do with some mansplainin’. What, you mean, we could do without? Pipe down, little lady!

• Zuska started it off: You May Be A Mansplainer If… posted at Thus Spake Zuska.
• SKM carried it forward: It Looks Like We’re Going to Have a Mansplainer Thread After All posted at Shakesville.
• Jo Tamar has a nasty story to tell in Talking about mansplaining… posted at Wallaby.
• Karen Healey, who popularised the term: Mansplaining Redux posted at Attention Rebellious Jezebels.

Considering writing:

Cheryl Morgan has Hugo Voting on the Cheap over at Feminist SF – The Blog!. It’s a how-to guide to getting more women nominated for the Hugo science fiction awards.

Elizabeth Kate Switaj writes Are women writers now sexless? at Daughter of the Ring of Fire, a response to an opinion piece on the nature of women’s writing; on bodies and change and difference.

Geek Feminism Blog’s Skud has an introduction to the current fannish conversation around privilege and oppression as they relate to slash fiction. On LambdaFail, women writing m/m erotica, and the queerness and/or misogyny of slash fandom.

Kelly Diels of Cleavage considers that the blogging for money game seems a ballsy one, to me. ‘this linear, solution-hunting model and attendant blog-writing genre just feels very male to me’.

The world is not kind to trans people and the following are just two ways how.

Oh no, trans people have need of bathrooms, whatever will Michigan do? Lisa Harney posts Paul Scott Targets Trans People In Race for Secretary of State at Questioning Transphobia. ‘This is a deliberate attack on trans people – a deliberate instrumentalizing of trans people as threats that must be controlled in order for Paul Scott to win votes and energize his base.’

Helen has been posting about violence against trans women in Turkey for some time. Her latest post on the subject at bird of paradox is Turkey: cis man sentenced to life imprisonment for deliberate homicide and aggravated looting. Previous posts are linked at the bottom.

Let’s explore women’s lives.

fbomb’s Julie Z presents An Interview with Sara K. Gould of the Ms. Foundation, who works on all sorts of projects around economic justice for women. It’s an excellent interview, including discussion about the intersections of race, gender and class across generations.

Next up, at elle, phd we have The Susan B. Anthony Bench in which elle and her lunch companion discuss systemic oppression. ‘She calls it her Susan B. Anthony bench, because shortly thereafter, she became involved in the feminist movement. That is what gave her the words to name the oppression and discrimination she’d seen.’

meganwegan takes a look at the extraordinary life of journalist Dora Jane Hamblin in What would Dora Do? at Craft is the New Black.

Defying categorisation, because boxes are the tool of the patriarchy!! Ahem.

‘This is the story of a little girl who tried to be like everyone else.’ T. R Xands at Adventures of the TV Addict, the Wannabe Writer, and the Should-Be Famous writes on racism, the standards we hold each other to and policing behaviour. Give Uppity bitch a read.

Eugenia has a really good post on the importance of continuing women’s activism in Bolivia. ‘In other words, “just uttering that women are involved in everything does not give us access.”’ Here’s Hagamos un cambio, y no sólo desde arriba posted at Eugenia de Altura.

C.L. Minou writes The Secret Lives of Married Men – Now With Bingo Cards at Tiger Beatdown in response to, well, ‘an astonishing tour de force of just about every half-assed cliche in the whole wide world of gender-essentialism, and passive sexism’.

K reviews a book by Dr. Leonore Tiefer in Let’s read books: Sex is not a Natural Act and Other Essays over at Feminists with Female Sexual Dysfunction.

Jill of Feministe topples over the idea of those feminist marriage-ruiners in Feminism: Great for Marriage. ‘Feminists have shifted the focus of marriage away from an economic necessity and towards a truly fulfilling partnership.’

Presenting Colleen Hodgetts’ Feminism & Food at Gender Across Borders, a glance into how the politics of food may fit with feminism as well as thoughtfulness concerning intersectional feminism more generally.

femspotter warns us of the dangers of hazing in Bleeding to get in at her blog The Fem Spot. There’s a particular focus on the harm young women do to each other.

At Like a Whisper, prof susurro writes a Want Ad For Feminist Revolution Pt. I. Just read it. ‘What I want is a feminism that fights for all women equally and takes accountability seriously across difference but also within a single group. And I want feminism to be a place where marginalized women don’t have to beg privileged women to see their humanity so they can eat, work, and/or live. I want every woman who has ever felt uncomfortable around other women to check herself first and not start victim-blaming, and every woman who has ever been victimized by systems of oppression to be able to walk through the world knowing that day is ending and the only burden she has to carry is the burden of doing the right thing & being self-reflexive about her own actions. They must let go of their bigotry and privilege evasiveness and we must heal from the pain they have inflicted so that all of us can do the work at hand.’

That concludes the Thirteenth Carnival of Feminists. Please consider hosting a future edition of this carnival. It’s a bunch of fun and you get to sort through some amazing writing! Thank you very much for writing, submitting and reading.

Music Monday: Karaoke Edition

On Saturday night a bunch of Internet people (ie people who hang out in the feminist blogosphere) and one non-Internet person (a meatspace friend of mine, the poor dear) went to karaoke! For the record, Jo Tamar is hilarious, tigtog from HAT has a beautiful singing voice and there was no discussion of Time Lord sex at all. Naturally you are wondering what I wore because… I say so.

Yes, I am big into rainbows.

Today’s Music Monday is composed of songs we sang!

“Common People” (lyrics here).

Julie Andrews’ version of “Wouldn’t it be Loverly” from My Fair Lady (lyrics here).

And lastly, “Bohemian Rhapsody”. You get the Muppets version! (Approximate lyrics here.

We had a lot of fun!

Where in the world is Chally?

Well, you know, right here with you, readers. Also: elsewhere! Here are posts I’ve published elsewhere that haven’t been cross-posted here.

At FWD/Forward, that’s mostly Question Times, that is, disability-related prompts for comments. It’s a pretty interesting series, if I do say so myself. So here are Positive Experiences with Abled People, Gender and Disability, Disability and the New Year, Disability Quotes, Changing Experiences and Three Words. I’ve also got some snappy answers for your stockpile.

But wait, there’s more! At Feministe…

Lots of potential, but not sitting right with me.

Here’s an article from the BBC entitled “Police team up for rape campaign”. I am doubtless not the only one to have read enough articles with similar titles to now be approaching this one with trepidation.

Newsy reads for today. What it says on the tin!

Quick link, because I have no words. On a parking lot designed especially for women. Oh dear.

Happy New Year! A ‘what are you doing today’ type post.

Oh, you bad, bad women.

What debate is this meant to be sparking, anyway; whether women ought to be allowed to work? Whether women who choose to do so are bad mothers? You know what? We’ve had this debate, such as it is. It’s been done. It’s silly, and it’s offensive. The thing is, the people who feel comfortable plastering this sentiment all over the public spaces of the United Kingdom haven’t given a great deal of consideration to the actual lives of the real live women they’re talking about.

Today in selling misogyny…

The horror of this is in more than just the commodification of violence against women. It’s not just about the buying and selling of images, symbols of women’s oppression. It’s about the survivors of violence having to endure these t-shirts being thrust in their faces when they walk down the street, at a party, going about their everyday lives. The horror in this is in forcing on these women reminders of their assaults and that their experiences and feelings are just fine to use and make a profit from, so void of emotional hardship as to be suitable fodder for an up-market fashion chain.

Two things on staring

I find myself thinking a lot about staring and comfort and power, so I figure I might as well bring you along for the ride!

Lastly: So good. Musical fun times.

The 250th Post

This is the 250th post here at Zero at the Bone, across nineteen categories and 200 tags. The comment count passed 1000 not too long ago, too! I feel all proud and achievey!

What kind of a Chally would I be if I passed up the opportunity for a bit of meta-postage? [1]

Carnivals! You are perhaps aware that I am hosting the Carnival of Feminists very shortly? Check out my CoF call for submissions and nominate yourself and/or other bloggers to be in it!

But that’s not the only blog carnival around…

The Asian Women Blog Carnival is being hosted this time around by the lovely stephiepenguin. See the call for submissions. It’s going to be amazing. The deadline’s 12 February.

The Carnival of Feminist Parenting comes to us from Anji at Mothers for Women’s Lib once more. I’ve just remembered that I’ve read a load of things I’m going to submit, and you should too by 7 February.

The Disability Carnival Blog for this month is being hosted by Disability on Dreamwidth. The theme is relationships. See the call for submissions and submit before 20 February.

The Down Under Feminists Carnival is rayedish’s (The Radical Radish) project this month. You’ve got until 2 February to submit posts!

Over at Raising My Boychick we have a poll for Lesbian/Bisexual Woman of the Decade! I can’t quite pick which candidate I want to win so I pick someone different every time I vote! It’s a bunch of fun so go vote!

And, of course, a blogroll update:

• Dis/Embody by Liz Ellcessor. She’s a) doing a PhD in Media and Cultural Studies b) in Madison, Wisconsin, c) writes about disability and d) shares a birthday with me. Automatic blogroll add.
• Fat Lot of Good by Bri King. My fellow Aussie, she admins Notes from the Fatosphere!
• PhD Research Blog is, well, Frankie’s PhD research blog. She’s a rather nice soul. She’s researching the Australian feminist blogosphere as a matter of fact!
• Rebellious Jezebel Blogging; Acting Out Edition by Jha. All sorts of goodness on writing and race and national identity. Check it out!
• Taking Steps by little light. You need to read this blog.

Here’s to another 250th posts with you, readers!

[1] Why do I always feel the urge to comment on my meta-postage while making meta-postage?! Meta-meta-postage. Which makes this footnote meta-meta-meta-postage. Which makes…

Invisible Identities, Part 3: The Privileges and Pains of Passing

Previously:
Invisible Identities, Part 1: Invisible to Whom?
Invisible Identities, Part 2: The Default Human

Note:

I’m told that in the American context, when speaking about race, the term “passing” is most associated with black people due to a pretty loaded history. This is not the case where I live, simply because that’s not the history we have with the term. As such, when I speak of passing race-wise, I am not speaking only of light-skinned people of African descent who can do so. I realise that this post could therefore be a somewhat uncomfortable read for people in that context, and am putting up this note to therefore hopefully address some of that discomfort.

It’d probably be a good idea to read the previous posts in this series if you find anything else in my word use or context confusing, especially as many of the points in this post build on the previous posts.

Comments that say it’s wrong to try and pass, or conversely that someone ought to try and pass, will not be tolerated. Either way attempts to take away something of someone’s choice, experience, decision making. How one negotiates one’s own life, how one chooses to deal with all the oppressions on hir back, is hir business.

Being able to pass is a privilege. Passing privilege means that others don’t grab my body or assistive devices, people I’ve never met don’t look at me with pity or disgust and I am less likely to face intrusive and upsetting questions. Those are amazing privileges that many of my fellows in the disability community don’t share with me. Passing privilege means that I am not watched suspiciously in stores, negative comments are not made about my features, white people feel comfortable to interact with me and strangers do not expect me to act as an example of what all people of my background are like. Those are incredible privileges that many of my background do not share.

First up, we must address the nature of passing. Sometimes it is active (one chooses to pass) and sometimes passive (one is passed). Sometimes it’s an interaction of expectation and experience, habit and circumstance. One cannot untangle one’s own efforts to pass or to not from the point of the idea of passing. That is, whether one passes or not is dependant on the outside observer. The whole idea of passing hinges not on what the (non)passer does, but on the observer’s response to that person. There’s an extent to which one can control it – and people have developed quite some techniques – but it’s not always a matter of choice as to whether to pass or not.

There’s a friction between passing and solidarity with one’s group. Those who can pass as being a member of a dominant group may miss out on many experiences and forms of discrimination that are held to be facets of that group’s commonalities. One of the main problems with passing is that in doing so an inequitable system is being held up (by those who pass others, by those choosing to pass). This is to say that passing supports the idea that equality, better treatment, is gained by melting into the dominant group. This is of course true, as is evident in, for instance, shifting definitions of whiteness; but one shouldn’t have to lose their own identity to the “good,” dominant identity in order to be dealt with well. We should work not until identities disappear but until they’re all okay to have.

That burden should be placed on those making the assumptions of – enforcing – default identities, not on the passers. Passers frequently report hostility from within their own groups, and accusations of not really being a member of their community from all sides. No one is less a member of the group for other people’s perceptions and it’s incredibly offensive to suggest otherwise. Passing is not always a choice; when it is, it’s presumptuous to resent someone for that and just outright wrong where safety is involved. How one deals with one’s own experiences of oppression is one’s own concern.

Being able to pass really messes with my head. I’ve frequent bouts of intense guilt about it, and I feel sick when people in my communities admire me for the features that make me more likely to pass (‘look at her beautiful skin.’ Increasingly I need to get the nearest bathroom and scrub and scrub where they grab my arm). Sometimes I don’t feel quite real or as though I’m cheating, an intruder in someone else’s identity. With regard to being disabled, this has some nasty consequences: in the past I’ve not gotten needs met, either because I can’t bear to out myself or because someone doesn’t quite think I’m truthful. Passing doesn’t mean I’m not struggling to remain standing while we’re talking. I struggle with passing and being passed. Sometimes I try and do it to feel safer (never safe) and lose my integrity. Sometimes I am passed, and it’s a mix of delight and loss and damage. Whatever I do, it’s never enough, I’m never enough.

Now I just mostly let people think what they will. The glowing effects largely disappear once I give off too many cues. Because so much of my identity, experience and expression is tied up with those of my identities that are invisible, the effects are frequently fleeting.

Being invisible doesn’t mean I face no discrimination but that I face less individualised discrimination in many contexts. Looking like I do has not prevented, upon the acknowledgement of my identity, looks of disgust, offensive remarks about my family, having to listen to racial hatred. It has not prevented the fear in me, the way I have not felt safe since I was a little girl. It has not prevented that I modify my dress, my speech, my movements, my stories in order to appear as “normal” as possible, just like anyone else trying to not face the wrath of whiteness. Attempting to invisibilise difference is hardly restricted to those of us who can pass.

The thing is, I’ve done everything. I’ve been loud and proud about my invisible identities. I’ve done my best to make them disappear. I’ve allowed myself to be passed, I’ve actively worked to pass. I’ve just been myself, I’ve made my identities explicit. At the end of all this anxiety and modification and thought and care, one thing remains constant: it’s the perceptions and actions of people in dominant bodies that count. When I pass, there’s still the weight of many manifestations of oppression on my shoulders. And irrespective of whether I pass or not, people outside of my groups still get to determine how I am treated and how I am perceived. There is no way to win.

[Cross-posted at Feministe and FWD/Forward]

Separation, community, difference

‘As women, we have been taught either to ignore our differences, or to view them as causes for separation and suspicion rather than as forces for change. Without community there is no liberation, only the most vulnerable and temporary armistice between an individual and her oppression. But community must not mean a shedding of our differences, nor the pathetic pretense that these differences do not exist.’

Audre Lorde in “The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master’s House”.