To recap: I identify as non-white (the language I use to refer to myself changes though; I’ve yet to find anything I’m really comfortable with). I have blue eyes and pale skin. (I have a bittersweet joke that I’m whiter than most white people.) I often take advantage of this and keep quiet about my ethnicity around people I don’t know. Because it’s just another thing to talk about, another thing through which a dominant group constructs me as less than, because it’s just too much.
This leads to some interesting patterns.
Not knowing my background, white people tend to claim me as one of their own. I have sat through so many racist “jokes” cracked by people who thought I was in on them. I think this is a reflection of what I like to call the default human mentality. If you’re a member of a dominant group, and representations of how normal you are are just everywhere, you’re likely to think that everyone else is of that group unless they’re obviously not. I know that’s something I’ve been struggling with as a heterosexual person.
Not knowing my background, non-white people are far less likely to make assumptions. This can be reassuring and comforting, but it can be disconcerting when I’ve decided I’m going to let people think I’m white in a particular situation, especially when I’m outed among white people.
Being able to pass – or, more, being passed – as white is a privilege, it really is. This is never more apparent then when I start to talk about my ethnicity. I watch the faces of the white people I am in conversation with. All too often, there’s a quick series of emotions that run over their faces.
It goes like this. First, there’s surprise. Then, there’s a sheepish look (did I say anything that could have offended her? I should have realised…). Then a bit of internal searching, going through the back catalogue of experiences with me to see if there were any clues. After that comes indignance: hey, wait a minute, it’s not my fault and how could I have known and anyway race is a sensitive thing so I’d best keep myself out of it. It’s then that most of them realise that I can see what’s going on in their heads. I take a moment to chuckle inside. Finally, it goes one of four ways. They continue to treat me as a person, with little deferences to my particular circumstances where required (which is, you know, very nice and exactly the sort of thing you ought to do, white people). They act exactly as they did before (which is also nice, but kind of missing the point). They totally change the way they interact with me, from the way they angle their bodies to their tone of voice. Or, they shut down. With regard to this last, sometimes I wonder, is it because they feel betrayed? Are they embarrassed? Do they just not like non-white people?
So, I am no longer coded as a white person, or there is no longer any ambiguity. And there are mixed emotions there. On the one hand, it’s another piece of oppression I’ve got to wade my way through with this particular person. On the other, it’s so sweet to be identified as what I really am, to no longer modify my speech and mannerisms and what have you to conform to whiteness.
But how do non-white people react, you ask? Sometimes a ‘really?’ but more often a look of non-surprise or a ‘yeah, I thought so’ and, more often than that, happily, thankfully, we just continue with our business.
Being invisible, playing white, has only the illusion of freedom. I’m still racism’s perpetual puppet, waiting until I don’t have to be scared.
Great post. Very thoughtful.
I’m a bit confused so I’ll try to just wonder a few things aloud in the hopes that they’ll be addressed.
Bascially, I’m having a hard time understanding your current setting. As I understand it, you have white skin but don’t consider yourself ethnically white, at least by the same conventions as I might (Scotish family, enjoy tennis, love coldplay).
Are you surrounded by overbearing white folk? Are you in an especially race sensative area where there is all kinds of jokes and guilt going on?
I guess the trouble I have is with the last bit, talking about how you will sometimes reveal your true heritage, and how you witness all of these changes in the white folk around you. Is there really a lot of shock and dismay?
I know I’m pretty white, whatever that indicates to you. I don’t think I’ve found myself in any particular white club, or on the side of any particularly white issues or felt betrayed or insecure about the discovery of any non-white dopplegangers in my midst.
So I guess I’m just wondering if everything is alright and who these people are who are so oppressive.
Modernsophist.com
Thanks, that was, as RMJ said, very thought-provoking. I want to take some time and think about my own responses, and my own interactions, in light of what you’ve said, but wanted to say thanks for sparking the thinkfest. Here from your mention at Shakesville’s Blogaround. :)
Thanks, you two. Caitiecat, if you want to share anything you come up with, I’d so like to hear it.
Your comment got caught in spam, Thomas, and I only just got it out.
Firstly, I’ve got pale skin, paler then most but not all non-white people, and yeah, I’m not white.
No, I’m not surrounded by particularly overbearing white folk, this is just the sort of thing that goes on pretty regularly for people in my situation. I’ve had people splutter and get tongue-tied, too. So, as for the shock and dismay, yep. Generally they’ll have a go of hiding it, but it’s obvious when you’re on the recieving end. You as a white person should probably assume that a non-white person is telling the truth about hir experience of racial oppression.
If you’ve never felt betrayed or insecure about that sort of thing, good on you. But if you doubt whether there’s really shock or dismay, I’ve got to tell you, Thomas, you are in a white club. Because only a white person is going to be surprised at this post. There’s probably a lot of this kind of thing you don’t percieve, you don’t have to think about, and that’s called white privilege.
Thanks for your concern, but I’m okay. Just another day in living in a racist world, you know?
Hey, Faith. I think there may be some cultural differences between you and I here, because pale is definitely not a synonym for white in these parts. Also, there aren’t a whole lot of people with African heritage here and the term “pass” gets used more generally. I can’t address a lot of the other ethically/culturally-specific concerns in your comment because I don’t want to talk about my specific background, but suffice it to say that I have very little white family, and I’m not sure how many white ancestors; I just seem to have inherited all the whitest features through some quirk of genetics. So for me it’s not really a matter of embracing just one aspect of my heritage because this is pretty much it, even if I don’t look it. There aren’t a lot of Latin@ or Native American folk here, but I know of a number of white-looking Asian people, Indigenous Australians, people from all sorts of backgrounds who look white who have had similar experiences to me. Does that help at all?
I think some may be confused because you used the word pale which is a synonym of white and you said you can pass which is a term applied to those with more African heritage. Think Wentworth Miller who was able to play a white character on Prison Break and for all purposes looks white but has a black mother. Ah that one drop slavery nonsense. It’s funny how many who are pale usually embrace their heritage but those more noticeably brown want to claim bi-racial/multi-racial/other to separate themselves from being just plain “black”. Now this might not apply here at all but it seems the sputtering from whites wouldn’t be quite so sputtering if this was about a person with Asian heritage or American Indian. Not even Latino per se because many do not consider themselves people of color anyway and to look at Telemundo they pick the most Euro-looking Spanish speakers anyway. I could be wrong about my immediate assessment….but I could be right. By the way you were linked at feministe which is how I found your blog.
Actsoffaithblog,
I think some may be confused because you used the word pale which is a synonym of white and you said you can pass which is a term applied to those with more African heritage.
What? I partially agree about the word “pass” but I disagree with pale being a synonym for white. Pale can be pretty broad actually, in this case it’s just what it is–Chally is pale & non-white, since she stated she doesn’t feel comfortable about discussing her background. I think that’s pretty clear. I really found your whole comment pretty condescending & left field considering the original post.
you said you can pass which is a term applied to those with more African heritage.
When the term “passing” is used in regards to race & ethnicity, I think the application varies according to the country you’re referring to and the group you’re speaking about. For example, passing in D.R. means you look European but have indigenous roots and/or African roots and/or are actually part Haitian. Even in the U.S., I’ve heard my Asian friends talk about passing if they’re half-white.
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