I went to a Christian girls’ school. Now, not to say that all Christian girls’ schools are run like this, but I’m sure you can guess what the sex ed was like. No sex before marriage for you, girls! (Because you’re getting married, and to men, don’t you know.) You are like a piece of sticky tape: every time you stick yourself to someone, you get more bits of dirt on you until you find you can’t stick to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with! Look at these gross pictures of gross sex diseases, eww!
Suffice it to say, we were taught about uteri and fallopian tubes, but not about what this mysterious clitoris was. We weren’t taught about masturbation, or any sort of non-PIV sex, and we only got a hushed ‘and use a condom!’ at the end of the course. We were too embarrassed to look at each other, let alone discuss our fears or excitement or the gaps in our knowledge.
When we were in Year 11, we had a personal development day together with a boys’ school and another girls’ school. We all trooped into the boys’ school and prepared for a day of speeches, much like those we’d been given through school. But part way through, we got a rather unusual speaker who I’d encountered once before, have met once since and have never, ever forgotten. I’ll call her Mary. Mary was a very loud, enthusiastic woman: enthusiastic about teaching us, enthusiastic about being a Christian, enthusiastic about sex. Her manner was pretty full on, going from joyful shouting to (somewhat) hushed prayers. On this particular day, one of these prayers contained, ‘and I thank the Lord for my clitoris!’ Not a Christian myself, I wasn’t in head bowing mode at the time, so I had the opportunity to look around the hall – once I got over the shock that someone actually said that word out loud, that is. Half of my classmates were tensely frozen – particularly the ones sitting near boys – and half of them were whispering to their neighbours. Even though I couldn’t hear any of them, I knew exactly what they were saying. ‘What’s a clitoris?’
Looking back, I shift between describing this moment as hilarious and horrifying. From ‘I thank the Lord for my clitoris’ on through the rest of high school, I made it very clear to my classmates that they could come to me for any information or resource recommendations they might want and I wouldn’t shame them.
What’s a clitoris? It’s a question I’ve had to answer many times since that day, but every time it makes me very sad that I’m the one answering it. It should have been told these young people by their parents and their teachers, not that oddball feminist they know. It should have been taught along with all the other information they were given, through education formal and informal, about their bodies, and relating to people, and information about how the world works. Because whether they’re waiting for marriage or not wanting to have sex ever or already starting out on their sexual lives, young people have the right to information that will allow healthy, informed decisions about their own selves. And it’s terribly sad that young people are so often left to glean this information as best they can.
I think about this kind of sex education and how damaging it can be, causing anxiety and shame where there shouldn’t be, for a start. What kind of educator wouldn’t want their charges to have proper information so they can make up their own minds and run their own lives well? Mine, apparently.
Recommended related reading: Recently I rather enjoyed Que(e)rying Sex Ed by WildlyParenthetical, who teaches a university gender and sexuality course.
Whilst a teacher at a Christian girls’ school, I taught a text that involved a masturbation scene (the film ‘Pleasantville’). It was really noticable to me, the way that the girls were far more embarrassed about the scene which hinted at female masturbation and orgasm than they were about a more explicit scene involving PIV sex between young people. They didn’t even know how to talk about the masturbation scene (although this was a pretty liberal school and the kids were generally pretty open and used to frank discussions in senior English.) Anyway, I ended up writing ‘masturbation’ on the white board in big letters and told them that, within appropriate contexts, it was ‘okay to write it, say it and do it’. They were shocked into silence but then laughed and things seemed to run more smoothly after that.
Now I wonder if I was their version of a ‘thank god for my clitoris’ woman! I think that’s one of the many problems with school sex ed – some things might never be well received from teachers. Which is why bringing in outside speakers is good. But yes… accurate and useful information is so important and we do students such a disservice by denying them this.
I went to a Catholic girls school, where the word masturbation was mentioned only in connection with sin. Also, no mention of clitorises, or orgasms, and when one girl said she didn’t think she wanted to have children, she was told that she ought not to get married. And as far as I can recall (nearly thirty years later), our sex ed. lessons were given by nuns.
I went to a fairly rough public school and things weren’t much better. Sex ed was pretty much just about how to not get pregnant. Nothing on masturbation, or on sexual relationships, or on female sexual pleasure, or on how to insist on condoms. And since Australia has a huge problem with STIs (I still call them STDs though), I reckon things haven’t changed a bit. Sexual intelligence still isn’t being taught, so I can only assume that, like most things, a small group in society is making the rules for everyone else based on their personal beliefs.
I think everyone needs a “Thank God for my clitoris” woman, even if they themselves do not have a clitoris.
My sex ed at school was mediocre at best (I think. It was in grade 7, so it’s been…what, eight years? Geez), but I was lucky in that I got truly excellent sex ed from another source–church.
See, I went to the Unitarian church for about two years, and they have what is probably the best comprehensive, non-shame-based sex ed program in North America. They are seriously cool. The program’s called Our Whole Lives or OWL [Unitarians love their acronyms!], if you ever want to look it up.
Public (govt) Australian school here and no mention of masturbation (for anyone) and definitely no mention of clitorises (clitorii?). Or of female orgasm for that matter. I wonder if much has changed in the 25 years since I did sex ed…
You’re fabulous, Spilt Milk.
Oh, how horrible, Deborah and nwn.
Glad to see you here, Dorian! I’ve heard of the OWL program, sounds fantastic!
You can say ‘clitorises’ or ‘clitorides,’ bri. :)
It’s not surprising that Australia has a problem with STIs, newswithnipples, given that so very few of my students even knew what a dam was, let alone how to make one (which, given that dams seem not to be available in supermarkets and pharmacies, even in the middle of queer Sydney, would be a problem!). Then again, in this most recent round of students, the boys who went to a boys’ school only knew about oral sex as it would be performed on them, never the other way around, and didn’t really think about a condom in that context, so, pphhtt. Sex ed needs some solid revamping. While we’re at it, let’s give *everyone* HPV vaccines, shall we? (I know, more complex than this, but since boyzes gets HPV too, and hoccasionally will make with the sexing of girls who might not have had the vaccine, and also will hoccasionally make with the sexing of other boys, and HPV isn’t just associated with cervical cancer, but with anal and occasional penile cancers too…..)
Great post, Chally! It reminds me of my early undergrad years, where I somewhere along the line got to be the go-to girl for, well, orgasm advice. This was women who were having (straight) sex, and not coming. Not ever. In fact, when asked, they had never come. I asked if they’d ever masturbated. Usually, the answer was ‘no’. Seriously. How do we wind up with male masturbation being talked about *all* the freaking time (I know way more techniques for male masturbation, for example, as a result of pop culture, mostly, and hilarious drunken chatter, than I do for female masturbation, to which end, my friends: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Pelvicdouche.jpg), whilst women still don’t feel like they are entitled to experience pleasure in their own bodies at their own hands etc (in fact, generally *only* entitled to pleasure if it’s from penile penetration)? Sheesh!! Freud, you have a shitload to answer for! My advice, FWIW, was generally to ‘Work out what works for you, on your own. Then show him.’ Generally a successful technique, so the stories go!
Lending my support to what WildlyParenthetical said: human papilloma virus vaccines are a good idea for everyone, and to prevent not just virus-related cancer but HPV infection itself (which is a worthy end) vaccination has to happen early before people become sexually active. To illustrate: I first had sex with another person, a neighbor boy a couple years older than me, when I was eleven. (Don’t try this at home.) Twelve is not too young to be thinking about this vaccine.
I have to give my mom credit. For all that she did a shitty job raising me (and wow did she do a shitty job raising me — I left home to get away from her when I was twelve) she got masturbation exactly right. The only thing she ever said to me on the subject was that it was normal, that everyone did it, and that I probably should close the door when I did. It helped a lot to have that in my head when I was away at school where admitting to masturbating made you a target of bullying and mockery.
I got most of my early how it’s done education from reading my mom and stepdad’s copy of The Joy of Sex. I don’t recommend it; it’s heterocentric to the point of being homophobic and transphobic and people of color will not find themselves well-represented within. Persons with disabilities are missing completely as I recall. There are much better all-purpose guides out there like The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex.
Only recommending/providing the HPV vaccine to girls and women is so ridiculous and angry-making.
And I admit the only time I’ve even seen a dam was when they were part of a pack given out at uni. They were definitely not part of the ‘condom’ talk when I was at school and I certainly have never seen them at the pharmacy or supermarket. Sigh.
I remember one of the early sex education lessons I had aged about 7 in Sweden (it’s one of the ‘oh gosh, I have the wrong parts’ moments in my life). It was basic, but honest. I can remember how different the same lessons were in school in the UK a couple of years later, so much more clinical, describing how all the body parts work, but stopping there.
However, I read today that there’s some hope in the UK, with a new requirement that sex education in British schools include HIV and same sex relationships. Naturally, the religious schools are up in arms, but there seems to be a real will to put this in place.
The article’s here.
Yeah, the story goes, Emily, that the Scandinavian countries followed the Netherlands’ lead, who introduced extremely explicit sex ed, with a focus on interpersonal skills, rather than, y’know, the location of the fallopian tubes. Teen pregnancies halved. I wish the studies had measured young women’s happiness with their sex lives too! ;-) But really, it does show how prudish Anglophone countries can be, and that it’s not very helpful. There are models out there. We should really be drawing on them!
Spilt Milk, I horrified one of my classes the other day by explaining that if you take a condom, chop of the tip and slice down the middle, you can *make* a passable dam (and who doesn’t like a crafty woman?). And while I’m still grumpy they’re not available in pharmacies and supermarkets, at least I have a large number of sex shops in my local area to choose from! ;-)
I’ve found that plastic cling wrap makes excellent barrier protection for oral sex; just put a little lube (this is one of the instances where the less-viscous Astroglide works well — usually I prefer/recommend more viscous lubricants that stay where they’ve been put) in the places that you’re going to put your mouth and lay a sheet of plastic down. This is the sort of wrap meant for use with food — I don’t know what brand names it goes by elsewhere, but in the U.S. the stuff goes by Saran Wrap and Glad Wrap, stuff like that. It comes in the usual clear and an array of bright colors and is big; dental dams even improvised ones fashioned from condoms or gloves are pretty small and can be awkward to work with. Plastic wrap you can arrange so that it covers both the genitals and the anus and you can go back and forth without worrying about transferring anything unpleasant if you’re into that sort of thing. Which not everyone is, which is fine. It’s also not latex (The Wiki says it’s polyvinyl chloride or low-density polyethylene) so is tasteless and safe to use by people who have sensitivities to latex. This stuff is definitely available in supermarkets.
Um. Before I got sicker a few years back I was more active in the BDSM community in the US and did a lot of volunteering and some education, including safer-sex practices, within it. You can do all kinds of fun stuff with plastic wrap.
My wife, reading over my shoulder, reminded me that cling wrap can be thin and may not always stop everything that needs to be stopped. (Though if thicker plastic wrap is available it can work.) She suggests zipper-close freezer bags, cut open and unfolded, which are made from thicker plastic.
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