I tend to tense up when I hear that question. What I frequently want to say is, ‘I am not doing well at all. I’m exhausted, I’m stressed, there’s so much drama in my life. My legs hurt and and I really need to sit down. I’m just struggling.’ But that’s not what many people want to hear. In fact, lots of people will stop in their tracks when you give them an answer other than, say, ‘fine thanks’ or ’well and you?’
Sometimes people are asking as they genuinely care how one is. Frequently, however, enquiring after someone is merely a social nicety. And you can’t always tell the difference! That something so nice and positive and supportive has become a formality is pretty sad. And there are added layers of meaning for disabled people.
This question, concerned with health as it is, can be a point of tension for PWD. Because we’re often not fine, and that’s generally not something abled people want to hear about. Not that many people want to know what’s really going on in other people’s lives anyway, all that is deep and dark and personal, but this is particularly true for disability. Disability is held to be unpleasant, not something you want to hear about, and also it’s considered kinder to avoid the subject for fear of distressing the poor disabled person.
I was having a chat about this recently with the lovely Dorian of Dorianisms. He pointed out that ‘how are you’ as polite and meaningless is particularly baffling to his non-neurotypical self. ‘I respect the value of polite, ritualized words. But that one in particular is odd, b/c it takes the same form as an honest inquiry after well-being could. And I don’t know how to tell the difference.’ It’s a matter of having to have learned this social script and then finding out that it doesn’t always mean what one has been told. That’s confusing, and it’s more unnecessary work the neurotypical world requires of non-neurotypical people.
I’m not saying that being asked how one is can’t be a nice experience, or be conducted with nice intent. I can really appreciate my friends asking about what’s going on for me, it’s lovely to be thought of. It’s just that there are so many things going on here.
A couple of years ago, when it got too much, I was in the habit of just talking at people who asked me how I was. I just threw lots of words at them so that they wouldn’t realise I wasn’t answering their question. At present, a favourite response of mine to ‘how are you?’ is ‘because I was born, and I continue to be alive. What kind of a question is that?’ Yes, I know, I have an odd sense of humor. Sometimes when I’m feeling poorly I answer properly, but then I get the looks of disconnection or pity; I’m not sure which is worse. And if I respond with a chirpy ‘fine and you?’ it sounds odd if my health issues come up later in the conversation. I worry that the incongruence might make some think I’m faking, and there are enough people who think that of chronically ill people already! I don’t like to lie, and I really don’t like being expected to lie in order to keep things smooth and social. Alternatively, I frequently wonder if some people aren’t asking me out of concern or even habit, but for gossip fodder. I don’t like my personal experiences to be open to that sort of thing. And sometimes I just don’t want to talk about how I am. I have so much to deal with that I’d rather not think about it while I’m trying to be social, even as ‘how I am’ is making me struggle to be social.
I was in the habit some months ago of not asking PWD ‘how are you’ lest they think I was being intrusive about their health, and now I am thinking of moving back to that. In any case, I am trying to remember to be conscious about how I say it: to mean it when I do, using appropriate phrasing for that particular person, and to refrain where it’s not welcome.
The prevalence of this social custom is simply another nod to abled preferences at the expense of our own. I’ve got a lot more reason to keep my mouth shut about my private medical concerns than an abled person who has just had the flu. If we don’t participate satisfactorily in this seemingly (to abled people!) perfectly innocent and polite cultural norm, it’s another manifestation of our being difficult; we’re bad cripples. All in all, this trifling pleasantry can be pretty loaded. And we’re often expected to share, and only the right about, on abled terms.
Related: Ask Me No Questions and I’ll Tell You No Lies and the comments of Some snappy answers for your stockpile.
Thanks for this – I am thinking maybe it would be better to not ask, so I don’t put anyone in that position – if I ask, I do always genuinely want to know, but… as you say, the person I’m asking might be made to feel uncomfortable and not know how to reply.
And… although I am TAB, I am mentally ill – if I give an honest answer sometimes it upsets people and they feel sorry for me, and I don’t want really to make people feel sorry for me. Or at least, I don’t do it on purpose. Sometimes I just say “as well as can be expected given the circumstances”.
Think I’ve rambled now!
“How are you” is a truly messed-up question all in all, and the worst part is that it’s about the only one in our “greeting people and want to initiate conversation” stockpile. My mother-in-law was kind enough to explain to me that she didn’t like the question, and it’s still a struggle not to say it when she calls on the phone. I try hard to say, “How is your morning?” or tell her something that the kids did.
Here are some replies I’ve heard and liked:
“I’m still alive, aren’t I?”
“So far so good.”
Here are some replies I’ve tried and seemed to work:
“And you?” (I use this one when I’m pissed off about something.)
“Good morning!” (I like this one because it assumes that the person said “How are you” but meaning “Greetings!” which is exactly what they meant.)
I can usually get away with:
“Tired.”
Occasionally I have truthfully said,
“I’m not sure.”
Anyway, your post made me think, and I’ll try to be careful about asking the question. :)
“Sometimes people are asking as they genuinely care how one is. Frequently, however, enquiring after someone is merely a social nicety.”
I think almost all of the time for me it is a combo of both-it is almost impossible to distinguish between them. I don’t personally see one reason as better than the other. When people are asking me how I am and I get the sense that they genuinely care, I feel pressure to act out the “I’m fine/good/[insert word that popularly acts as a social lubricant here] because:
a) I get the sense that their happ-iness may be dependent on mine ( pressure arises from this constructed and problematic “causal” relationship)
b) I feel as though answering their question “positively” is a prerequisite for the rest of the conversation occurring and going well, which will probably be important to me ( seeing as people who ask how I am and genuinely care tend to be people I want to keep talking to)
c) I remind myself of the old saying, “you can’t be an activist all the time” and therefore bear the shit.
I don’t identify as dys-abled, but I guess my contribution would be that for me the question “how are you?” is so annoying because in many encounters it functions to make “happiness” something that is compulsory. And the dominant idea of what it means to be “happy” tends to be based on white, able-bodied, sexist etc. norms. And in this construction “unhappiness”(its supposed negative) is configured as a bad thing.
Then there is also the alienated feeling I ( personally) get in some social encounters when I dare to respond sarcastically or with irony…
But yeah the really violent disavowal of personal experiences that can follow from such a cliched question is disturbing, to say the least.
This is something I like about Hungary. Someone asks you, “How are you?” and it would be totally fine to answer, “I am not doing well at all. I’m exhausted, I’m stressed, there’s so much drama in my life. My legs hurt and and I really need to sit down. I’m just struggling.” There is also the option of “Fine, thanks, but…” and then the list quoted above. Another alternative to “fine” is a word that pretty much means “I’m still here,” as in, “Not very well, but still surviving.” (And then you would explain all your problems.) Obviously, your relationship with the person affects the extent of your answer, but the pressure to be optimistic and always have a smile, even a fake one, is not existent in Hungary in the way it is in the U.S., which can be a relief.
This afternoon I was trying to explain to my 7yr old that he really should say “Hello” and “Goodbye” to people on the basis that if he doesn’t, they are likely to think he doesn’t like them, which is not the root cause – it’s because he’s shy. This was going well until I mentioned that he doesn’t say “Hello” to his teacher and he said “But she always asks me how I am and I don’t know what to say.”
I’d read this post only an hour before this conversation, and I was utterly stuck as to what to tell him. The “How are you” pleasantry is such a disaster. Away from the heat of the emotional conversation with him, I think I am going to go with suggesting he ignore it altogether, and to just say “Good morning” in response, and teach him not to ask anyone how they are unless he really wants to know the answer, and he’s reasonably confident the other person wants to answer.
I only ask how someone is when I want to know the answer, but that doesn’t solve the problem of whether they want to tell me. I can’t think of a construction that makes it clear I’m really interested in the answer, but understand if the person has no interest in providing one.
You’re probably my favourite person to be asked that question by, because it’s obvious you genuinely care. :)
Thank you, everyone. :D
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