In my high school art classes, it was universally understood that, when one was told that her piece was good, she had to respond with ‘no, it’s not’. I was a little out of sorts with this: those were some genuinely good pieces being complimented, and it seemed strange that the artists themselves were not allowed to value them if it meant a reputation as someone who wasn’t stuck up. As such, when I received compliments, I began saying ‘thank you’. This was a little unbalancing at first, but I began to take pride in my art, and to value it for what it is. I’m no great artistic talent, not by a long shot, but I developed the confidence to recognise my strengths and, regardless of talent, the joy of creation.
Women are not allowed to accept compliments. (Especially about our looks.) It’s not considered modest. This is a corruption of modesty – if modesty is something you value – because it’s enforced. Being made to deny one’s value, regardless of whether one agrees or not, doesn’t reflect any quality in oneself – apart from following social norms! It’s just a socially enforced way of making sure that women put ourselves down at every public opportunity. It’s a layering of expected falsity in our interactions. Just as prescribed compliments aren’t truly felt, being made to shrug them off, as well as, more importantly, sincere ones, is a harmful social dance.
Denying compliments is denying ourselves some important things: the pleasure in being acknowledged, our own recognition of the best of ourselves, the fulfilment in emotional meeting with another person. And continual denial is far from helpful if you have chronic (nausea-inducing!) self-esteem issues as I do. Even if you don’t believe the content of a compliment, it’s vastly pleasurable to accept that someone else thinks you’re clever, or kind, or interesting, or a good cook. Also, I for one like messing about with social scripts, so there’s a whole lot to accomplish with a ‘thank you very much, I get a lot of joy out of making cheesecake, and that’s one of my best yet.’ I like surprising people, and I like feeling good about myself, so why not?
Brushing aside sincerely meant compliments denies something to their givers, too. I’m thinking of this in light of the comment thread on my farewell post on Feministe. As we know, writing is one of the best and most special things in my life. I have my doubts at times about how good at it I am, however. This is a bit silly because, happily, I’m told all the time that I’m good at this, and you lovely folks tell me that you get a lot out of what I do. But: prescribed I-can’t-really-have-anything-of-value-to-contribute interferes. And, you know, on the one hand, not accepting compliments is just me harming myself here. (How silly to denigrate the skill I have spent my whole life cultivating.) But in telling myself that I am not good at this, or that I don’t really have anything of worth to say, I’m not only harming myself at all. I’m denying the experiences of other people. And it’s deeply disrespectful to brush aside someone saying, ‘hey, what you said here, it has helped me in my life in a profound way.’ That’s special. That’s not just about me, it’s about how we all move towards each other in helpful and loving ways. Taking a compliment is here a matter of acknowledging a shared spark of humanity in us all.
When I tell someone I value them, I mean it, and I hope my words and feelings manage to filter through all the negative messaging and programming around that person. I am learning to accept compliments myself, and thereby nurture not only my soul, but the value of every person with whom I share gestures of goodwill.
Chally you are awesome. I love the way you put ideas together and make me think. I love how you write and express yourself so clearly (I’m quite envious of your talent).
*big hugs*
Oh my! *hugs* Thank you very much! :)
I agree, women are trained not to take compliments. I’ve always been in a weird position with that, because I DO like to take compliments — IF I think I deserve them. At high school, I know a number of people thought me stuck up, because I was aware of my strengths, and I was pleased with myself when I did well.
The flip side of this is, however, that I am also aware of my weaknesses, and I can appear to be guilty of false modesty when I’m actually operating on self-awareness. For instance, I have been called “brave” for doing things that caused me no fear — but that’s not bravery. It’s just luck (and a whole bunch of privilege) that I don’t happen to be afraid of some things that many people are afraid of.
With me, it wasn’t that I was trained not to accept compliments, but that I was trained to not accept help or offers of help—that offers of help were only a social dance of being polite, and that to take someone else up on their offer was to infringe on their good nature, to take advantage. To take up their time. And that was unacceptable because others should always be put above oneself, and that a woman who couldn’t do it all was…weak. Falling down on the job. You had to be tough, stoic, and with the (seeming) energy of a thousand suns. Men could lay about, but not women—others were depending on us, and if we couldn’t deliver…..what the hell good were we?
And this attitude…fucked me up.
In light of that, I think to deny the value of your work is to deny yourself that value as well….another way of putting yourself last, and others first. I think you really touched on something when you said, I’m denying the experiences of other people. And it’s deeply disrespectful to brush aside someone saying, ‘hey, what you said here, it has helped me in my life in a profound way.’
Because it’s true, and it reinforces that attitude to other women. “Oh, you thought this was something? This is nothing. Just shows what little you know.” Those little social dances of disrespecting the work, the opinions, and the lives of women. Unlearning those practices has been (and continues to be) valuable in my life.
This is such a big feminist issue! The need to put ourselves down whenever anyone talks us up can have real consequences, both with regard to personal self esteem and also success in the workplace. If we don’t feel able to promote our own strengths, then women are at a severe disadvantage when it comes to finding a job, or asking for a promotion or a raise.
“But: prescribed I-can’t-really-have-anything-of-value-to-contribute interferes.”
Thank you for saying that. For all of it, but especially that. I know how that feels- it’s why I’m such a rare commenter on any blogs, and why I no longer have one of my own. Because I’ll type something out, and then my anxieties flare up and I end up deleting the entire thing, dismissing whatever I had to say as unimportant.
(So, I’ve totally given up on Feministe, but I came here b/c I want to read, specifically, your writing, which I enjoy so much.)
This opened my eyes. I was baptised recently, and the women who took photos and e-mailed the to me noted how filled with joy I looked. And what was my response? “Heh, I look goofy as usual :-/”
I wrote this response just this morning, and it totally escaped me that this is part of a pattern I have of denigrating myself when someone complements. I couldn’t even say “I really enjoyed the event”! And now I wonder if the photographer was crestfallen when she read my response.
I think that trans women such as myself get a double whammy, as our very identities are delegitimated by cissexist society, so it makes it very hard for me to feel I have the right to take a compliment.
I don’t think it is just about how we look, either. As I wrote once, it has taken me a very long time to say “I am good at what I do” in relation to my professional skills. I used to think it was just the era in which I was raised, we didn’t “blow our own trumpet” and turn a resume into a marketing document – but my daughter has the same thought process when it comes to resumes.
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