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We know that it’s a mess when only heterosexual men are considered as having active and desiring sexuality. It’s a mess because the sex women have with other women gets seen as nothing, because the sex men have with other men gets seen as threatening, because so help you if you’re not fixed to those categories. It’s a mess because the people desired by those heterosexual men aren’t seen as proper people, with their own desires and agency, and because their consent doesn’t really matter.

People being reduced from their personhood, then, is the main problem here. It’s also a mess for the desires of the dominant set.

What? How are heterosexual men being messed up by the ever-present foregrounding of their desires? There’s nothing like feeling yourself desired, too: it’s powerful and validating and important. If you can’t connect with that? If you’re always the pursuer of people who you don’t understand as full people? And if you can only understand yourself as not someone special, but some guy chasing around gorgeous women to get shot down by the cold bitches but why because you do everything you’re supposed to? You’re missing out in vital ways. You’re not only missing the fullness of connecting with someone you understand as a person, but the affirmation of your sexuality and you yourself.