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In the West, you express deference by distance. You simply cannot touch Elizabeth II. In business situations, you shake hands rather than hug, and you hold out your hand to be shaken rather than taking hold of the other person’s hand. So I’m thinking about which bodies are more likely to receive touch, and touch without specific necessity or permission. In socially acceptable scenarios:
Disabled people get stroked and patted, and other people feel the urge to take charge of wheelchairs and grab people’s arms to steer them around. Kids get their hair ruffled by strangers, and are required to kiss and hug relatives and relatives’ friends. Women get hands to the arm and the small of the back, and kisses on cheeks, where men would not. Non-white people’s hair is apparently free for the touching, and non-white bodies are coded as a lot less socially valuable than white people’s.
If distance is deference, if bodily autonomy is a marker of social status, than this is a pretty clear way of tracking how marginalised people are valued.
Some bodies, those of somebodies, are not acted upon, and some bodies are not seen as belonging to full people. Because if the toucher is valuing their desire to touch – and society legitimates that desire – over whatever the touched person might want, the toucher is only acknowledging their own thoughts, feelings, autonomy, and personhood.
Thanks for making this post, Chally!
Something that it’s hard but which I have been oh-so-necessarily learning to practice is speaking up when people assume that touch is okay, that they are entitled to physical intimacy without even asking first. My roommate and I ask each other if hugs are okay. That’s pretty radical and great. Having that as part of my core home life has made it seem natural to ask the same of others – if they’re okay with touch, if they’re okay with sharing personal space – and made it easier to say, “I prefer you to ask first if you touch me.” It’s still hard not to couch that with “sorry” and “please,” all deferential and apologetic, but, hey, it’s progress. I think it’s also really good to have that discussion with people who never think about it, because, well, we all should.
I linked this on tumblr, I hope that’s okay. I’m sorry the excerpt is so long, it felt like the least awkward place to stop. The post is here: http://pandaseal.tumblr.com/post/27410058176/in-the-west-you-express-deference-by-distance.
That’s fine, thanks for asking. :)
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Erin, thank you for sharing that. I feel the same way & it’s good to learn I’m not alone.
Chally, this is a wonderfully thought-provoking post!
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Is this a Down Under phenomenon? Folks in the US react to disability with avoidance and to skin color as if it is contagious–unless they want to touch that hair!
Recent research indicates that a person can increase their probability of being liked by touching the other party on the shoulder or another innocuous place. These people may be attempting to convince you that they are nonthreatening, or they may be trying to sell you something, as well.
My multi-colored body gets nodeference, no respect, no touch. I have learned that people who accept me when my stained arm is covered up, will not recognize me in public if I am uncovered. Coworkers who worked with me in long sleeves are helpful and friendly; many who work with me in short sleeves are covertly hostile. All social contacts are minefields through which I must walk barefoot in my soul.
No, not an Australian thing, and you can get those avoidance reactions here as well.
I’m sorry that people are so horrid to you.
The hair thing. Heavens, my hair was always played with to the point it frizzed and if I glared at the person or asked them to stop, then i was the one over reacting and being rude not them. Thank Heavens, my mother would tell them that to back off and call them out on their actions. Now that I am older, people do not dare. yet, when I was younger people actually tried to cut my hair so they could keep a piece of it.
Chally-Another thing occurred to me while in conversation with a Filipina. Deference also is a defensive response. Until modern times, those with power could use it to beat, rob, or kill you. So lack of deference in this situation could be used positively to educate or to develop relationships. I’m not trying to invalidate your experience here, just analyzing it for usefulness to you and to others like us,for social hacking.
Social hacks, so far, have been utilized primarily for fraud. I’m interested in the possibility of using behavioral hacks, social hacks, and/or reframing for the ethical benefit of stigmatized people. The marginalized may need training in everything from eye contact (I definitely did!) to advanced social skills. Psychologists have studied stigmatization of disabled and disfigured people but I suspect they want to use their material to farm us as a permanent client class. Thus, we’ll have to start with our own experiences and parse them for utility.
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