Everyone, I’ve just had more (unrelated) good news. I don’t know why this week is being so good to me after such a horrible year, but my life is turning right around. I’m a bit !!!, so I think I’m going to make this a video week. All transcripted up, of course! So on to whose talent we’re enjoying today…

Here’s some more Sarah Haskins for you, and she’s as on the ball as ever. Anyone is welcome to use these transcripts – and I encourage you to for maximum accessibility! – provided they link back here.

Target Women: How to Get Hot Chicks
Vodpod videos no longer available.

Sarah: Hey guys. Are you lonely? Sad? Feel like the world is full of hot chicks passing you by? Well maybe it’s time to have a snack.

Guy 1: What’s with the mini burgers?
Guy 2: They’re new BK burger shots. Watch.
Woman: [squeals] Look at those tiny little burgers!
Woman 2: Adorable.
Woman 3: How long have you had them?

Sarah: Aww, it’s like a baby but you eat it. F. Scott Fitzgerald once wrote, ‘hot chicks are different than you and me.’ And it’s true. Look guys, you’re not going to attract a hot chick using regular chick tactics. Maybe it’s time to think outside the box. The cable box.
Time Warner cable ad:

[A group of women join a man in a small room].
Man: So, ladies, what’ll it be?
Woman: Let’s watch
Bride Wars.
All women: Yeah!

Sarah: Would a regular chick come to your room to watch Bride Wars? I don’t think so, Bride Wars is a very bad movie. Regular women only respond to the smell of freshly done laundry, but hot chicks love smells. Body smells –
Ad: [Man applies Axe, is transformed into chocolate. He walks past gym and women flock to the windows].
Sarah: – mouth smells –
Ad: New Dentyne fire mints. [Man pops one; woman makes out with him.] Fifty naughty bits of cinnamon desire.
Sarah – and bedroom smells.

Mother: You’ve got to wash this whole room.
Son: Mom, are you kidding? Wash it?
Mother: Just wash it with Febreze!
Son: Whoa.
Girl: Hey Mrs Webber. [sniffs, then to son] Hey, it smells nice in here.

Sarah: Ten minutes later, it was dry hump heaven. Try attracting a regular woman with a smell and see where that gets you.

[Guy pops a mint and stretches his arm around Sarah. She leans away.]
Sarah: How do you feel about kids what was your upbringing like?
[Guy looks at mints, confused.]

Sarah: Now you can help your cause with a hot chick by fixing your flaws. You have grey hair? Well get a hair dye. Then you’ll probably have sex with your therapist.

Voiceover: Touch of Grey. The best of both. Combs away a little grey without getting rid of it all. Never too much, just right.
Man: Now I look like I know what I’m doing, and can still do it.
[Therapist looks suitably impressed.]

Sarah: Fact: hot chicks do not believe in professional ethics. So stop trying to woo hot women with sensitivity and courting. Just get them stuff they want: burgers, cable. It’s what guys want anyway. …wait.

Target Women: Beauty Contraptions
Vodpod videos no longer available.

Sarah: There comes a time when you’ve tried everything to be beautiful. You’ve tried fancy lotions, you’ve dabbled in peels. Nothing works! Well maybe it’s time to try a contraption.
Ad: In just two minutes a day, these women, all over thirty-six, dramatically transformed their necklines and took years off their appearance. How they get these age-defying results? With the Neckline Slimmer!
Sarah: Somewhere in the world, a person gets up in the morning and goes to work at the Neckline Slimmer factory. Beauty contraptions get a bad rap. They’re advertised on late night TV, you pay for them in installments, rich people don’t use them. But American beauty has always been aided by contraptions: corsets, hoop skirts, wonder bras. Contraptions allow is to focus on very specific problem areas. You know how as you get older your mouth muscles become all disgusting? Not with this gadget.
Infomercial: ‘And you’re going to feel it, Karen, all the way from your eye down to your bra line.’ ‘I mean it’s amazing.’ ‘Really good.’
Sarah: What about that silent beauty problem? Your boob shape at night. Done.
Ad: Kush support maintains a more natural shape while resting on your side. No straps, no underwires, no constraints, no adhesives and no garments needed.
Sarah: Feels good, looks normal. A good contraption saves you time and effort.
Ad: Now you can get in shape without setting foot in a gym. New from Skechers, it’s Shape ups, the next step in fitness footwear. Work out while you walk!
Sarah: Awesome. You just put on your workout clothes, put on your Shape ups and take a walk, no exercise involved! Still skeptical? Well that’s why contraptions are scientifically tested.
Ad: Let’s perform a test with this traditional treadmill that cost hundreds or even thousands of dollars versus the slender shaper. Not bad! 536 times. Now let’s see how Samantha did with the slender shaper! Wow, 9306 times!
Sarah: Wow. 9306 times. Times what? Who cares. Now where do these amazing machines come from? I don’t know. Probably from a place both sophisticated and shrouded in mystery.
Infomercial: The micro-current, and it’s a technology that’s been around in Europe for a long time-
Infomercial: Introducing the ultrasonic home facial massager, once available only at exclusive spas in Europe-
Sarah: Europe, of course. Everyone’s beautiful in Europe. Because of those castles they live in. But the most important function beauty contraptions serve is pushing mainstream beauty devices to even greater innovations. I bet you thought mascara was as advanced as it could get. Hold on to those mascara horses.
Ad: Introducing a new era in mascara. Turned on, new Pulse Perfection Vibrating Mascara. Our exclusive motor inside pulses the brush 100 times a second.
Sarah: [with mascara all over her face, holding the brush] It’s easy! So don’t worry if you can’t afford botox, cosmetic surgery, dermabrasion or a persona trainer. Just because you’re not wealthy doesn’t mean you can’t get pretty – in five easy instalments.

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