I have done something very brave.
What it is isn’t important – that is, it is very important, especially to me: what I mean is that it isn’t important that you know what it is for the purposes of this piece. I want to talk about being brave, and what that has meant to me, and what that means to me.
I like to know, or at least convince myself, that I have control over how my life goes. I have my little plans, sometimes big plans, and when things do not go according to plan it can be devastating, and, oh, how it has been. I have my ways of seeing the world and when that changes it is hard to cope. What’s even harder is when my understanding of myself changes. I am reasonably sure that my ten-year-old self would cry herself sick upon meeting the present-day me. I did not turn out as I expected, and as I continue to turn and move through life and let myself out of myself, I will continue to become the unexpected. The unexpected is never pleasant for me, in me, simply for not having been in my plan, my ideas.
So, contemplating a different life is scary, and contemplating a different self is terrifying. Enacting it is barely imaginable. And that’s my point, my balancing, my reaching up, of bravery. It is because yesterday, and today, I did something so far out of being in comfort, so alien to how I have been, and so right for what I needed to realise for my life and self, that I am brave.
I feel alien in the new way of being I occupy; I will settle into it. It feels like this will be good. I feel less like my idea of being a person, or this person; I also feel more real. I am waking into myself.
Truly, it’s not so much that I become, am becoming a different self, living a different life. The life I am, have always, been meant to have and the self I am, have always, been meant to be are coming to meet me. It’s my future coming to hold me. It’s the me I am to be holding out her skin for me to climb into, loving me, just as I love that ten-year-old I once was.
I wish you blessings in your life as I wish them for myself for mine. I wish that you are brave, whatever bravery means, or will mean, for you.